


Angel with a Shotgun

by jumble_of_fandoms



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Depression, End!verse, Endverse, M/M, Rating will change, angel with a shotgun, music inspired
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-09
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-02-12 09:54:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2105289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jumble_of_fandoms/pseuds/jumble_of_fandoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucifer has taken over and the world has gone to Hell. Cas and Dean are trying to survive and find their way in this new world. Cas is slowly losing his Grace though, and Dean is becoming more and more distant to Cas. What will Cas put up with and will something finally make him say enough is enough?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm writing this mainly from Castiel's point of view, yet it jumps around a lot. There are many time shifts as well. Also, this chapter doesn't have any slash, but there will be eventually. There were many gif sets and a few songs that influenced this!

“We have to get to Detroit Cas.” Dean’s hands grip the steering wheel, knuckles turning white as they drive through the night.

Castiel has been trying to get Dean to pull over so they can at least switch drivers, and let Dean get some sleep, but every attempt has been met with glares. Castiel has resigned to sitting in silence next to Dean. This is the first either of them has spoken in over 50 miles.

“I know Dean…” Cas stares out the window, not wanting to look Dean in the eye, knowing the pain and grief he will see there. Knowing he is a part of it.

He feels useless. He should have just been able to fly them to Detroit. If this had gone down only a few days earlier, he would have been able to, and maybe they wouldn’t be flying down the back-roads of Tennessee trying to get to Sam.

Dean and Sam had had a falling out almost a month ago while following a lead about where Lucifer was. Sam had taken off in the middle of the night and Dean decided that maybe they needed a break from each other for a little while. They both had a list of leads and knew how to get a hold of each other. It wasn’t like this was the first time they had split. Except this time it was different.

Castiel knew how to track Sam and spent every day flying between the two brothers, keeping an eye out on them. Sam was always happy to hear about Dean, but Castiel was worried. Sam became increasingly harder to find and looked worse every day. Castiel knew Dean needed to go help his brother, but Dean wasn’t having any of that.

So Castiel continued to check in on them both, making sure they were alive and helping where he could. Flying was tiring work for the angel though, especially with the amount of flying he had been doing. He wasn’t making sure his Grace was “recharging” as often as he should and he misjudged where Dean was staying. Before he could take off again, he was attacked from behind by a group of Demons.

Dean found him hours later, after Castiel had finally found the energy to call him on the cellphone the brothers insisted on making him keep before passing back out.

His wings had still been in this plane when the Demons caught him. It didn’t take them long to rip them to shreds, overpowering the exhausted angel.

And now he is on the road with Dean, held together with crude stitches and bandages, unable to do anything except stare out of the window and offer to drive every hundred or so miles. Cas shifts in the seat, trying to relieve some of the pressure on his back. A hiss escapes his teeth as his stitches pull, but he tries his best to hide how much pain he is really in.

Castiel misses Dean glancing over at him as he looks back out the window, his hiss of pain going unmissed. Castiel knows that Dean is worried about him, but he does everything he can to hide it, not wanting to cause any more trouble for the hunter. He feels the car start to move even faster along the blacktop and feels his stomach churn…

~*~

Castiel stands in silence next to the car, watching the two brothers in front of him. He is clutching his side and feels hot liquid running down his back and knows he is slowly being covered in his own blood. His own brother is standing behind Dean, a knife in his hand held against the human’s neck and Castiel knows that there is nothing he can do to stop Sam from doing everything he can to save his brother.

“Sam, don’t you dare,” Dean hisses between clenched teeth, ignoring the metal that pushing against his skin. “You hear me Sammy? Don’t you dare!”

Sam ignores his brother, looking over Dean’s shoulder instead to the man who happens to be the current vessel for the leader of Hell. “If I do this - if I say yes - you have to let them go.” Sam draws a shaky breath, trying his hardest to not look at his older brother, ignoring the protests that are coming from him. “You’ll let them walk away, and you won’t follow them.”

“Sam, who would I be to deny a final wish? I may be the ruler of Hell, but I’m not a dick.” Lucifer drawls, one eyebrow raised cockily. “You say yes, and they get to live.” Sam nods and glances away, thinking things over in his head, trying to come up with one last way to get out of this. Finding none, he sighs, and looks back at the man who he has been denying for years now.

“Ok, I’ll do it.”

Lucifer starts laughing and flings Dean back towards the Impala, pinning him against it. Cas watches in horror as Sam looks their way finally, making eye contact with them both.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, before everything turns bright, forcing Castiel to shield his eyes…

~*~

When Castiel and Dean are finally able to open their eyes, they are alone. Sam is gone and so is Lucifer’s old vessel. Dean sinks to his knees, unable to support himself anymore and stares at the spot where he last saw his brother. Cas feels himself sliding down the car until he hits the ground, his strength quickly leaving him. Through blurry vision, Cas watches as Dean throws his head back and screams for Castiel’s other older brother, Michael.

“GET YOUR FEATHERY ASS DOWN HERE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!” Dean screams to the heavens, but he is not answered. Castiel reaches over with one hand, gently touching Dean’s shoulder and uses his Grace to allow Dean to hear what is being broadcast over Angel Radio.

MICHAEL HAS BEEN SLAIN.

THERE IS NO ONE LEFT TO STAND UP TO LUCIFER.

HEAVEN IS CLOSING.

ALL ANGELS, RETURN IMMEDIATELY.

REPEAT:

MICHAEL HAS BEEN SLAIN…

Castiel’s hand slowly falls off of Dean’s shoulder as the message repeats in his head over and over. He knows that if he doesn't go back to heaven, he will be cut off and essentially become a Fallen. Cas can feel his breathing become more and more ragged as his vision darkens around the edges. He watches as Dean curls into a ball, finally letting the sobs he has been holding back overtake him.

Cas feels himself falling again, this time towards the ground. His last thought is how he wishes he could hold the broken man in front of him before he blacks out. He never even feels his head meet the ground…

~*~

It is days later that Castiel finally wakes up. He is lying in a bed in some dingy motel room. Dean is sitting at the small table, slowly running a cloth over his gun over and over again. Cas tries to sit up and feels the room spin beneath him.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean moves over to sit on the bed next to Cas, grabbing a bottle of water on the way. “Let’s get some water in you ok?” Castiel nods and Dean snakes an arm under him to help prop him up enough so he doesn’t choke on the water. “You lost a lot of blood Cas…You’ve been out for almost a week now.”

Dean continues to talk softly to Castiel who looks up at him, listening to the rough voice recount everything that he has missed.

Sam – no…Lucifer, has starting spreading the Croatoan virus, attacking the largest cities first. Demons have been roaming free, wreaking havoc where ever they go. After Dean noticed that Cas passed out and saw how much blood he lost, he loaded them up in the Impala and drove as far as he dared. They have been holed up in the small motel since then with Dean only leaving to make runs for supplies occasionally.

“Bobby..?” Cas manages to choke out through his rough throat.

“He’s got a few people holed up in that bunker of his,” Dean tells him, slowly lowering him back down on the bed. “I told him where we are and let him know that we’re going to wait out the worst of the virus here. He knows an old campsite that we are going to use as a meeting point when things start to calm down enough.”

Cas nods, and immediately regrets it as the room starts to spin around him again.

“You scared me Cas…” Castiel’s eyes dart back towards Dean, and he is sure that there is shock written all over his face. “You were on the edge for a few days…I thought I was going to lose you too…”

Cas watches as a tear slowly starts to slide down Dean’s face and he reaches up with a shaky hand to wipe it gently away. Dean blinks, muscles tense as Castiel cradles Dean’s cheek in his hand. He takes a deep breath and looks into those deep emerald eyes that have mystified him since the day he had first met the hunter.

“Dean,” Cas starts softly, still trying to speak past his sore throat. Dean looks up and locks eyes with Cas’ dazzling eyes. “Dean, I’ll never… I’ll never leave you. I’ll always be right here by your side.”

Dean stares at Castiel, trying to process what he is hearing. Castiel can see the amazement in his eyes and wonders not for the first time, what is going through Dean’s head. He watches as the amazement turns to something else though and Dean’s eyes cloud over.

“You could be with your family, Cas…” Dean starts to breathe hard, trying to speak past the ache in his chest. “You could be safe, in heaven. They were going to close it, remember? Why would you want to stay here, in this Hell on Earth, with me..?”

Dean starts to pull away but before he can, Castiel uses what little strength he can muster to hold on to Dean and does his best to pull him down next to him on the bed. “I’m never going to leave you Dean. Not for anything, especially not for those people I used to call my family…” Cas nuzzles his face into Dean’s hair, breathing in the hunter. “You’re my family now Dean…”

Castiel slowly sinks back into pillow behind him, keeping his arm around Dean and feels himself slowly slip away into a dreamless sleep.

~*~

Dean and Cas hole up in the motel for almost a month before Bobby and Dean finally decide that it is as safe as it is going to get out on the streets. Cas is still having days of not being completely coherent, but those are happening less often, although Dean has noticed Cas seems to be sleeping a lot more often and isn’t healing as quickly as he normally did.

Cas explains to Dean that his back is not something he can easily heal like with every other injury. He doesn’t really know how to explain it in a way that will make sense but tries his best and just makes sure Dean understands that there isn’t anything he can actually do about it other than make sure it stays as clean as possible. Sitting in the car as often as they did had the tendency to make the injuries swell and become so sore it was hard for Castiel to even lay on his back in bed on those rare nights that he did sleep.

Although the camp that Dean and Bobby decide to use as a base is not really that far away from where Cas and Dean are initially holed up, they take their time getting to it, stopping occasionally at stores in cities that are not crawling with Croats to stock up on weapons, food, and anything else they find that could be considered essential. The back of the Impala fills quickly and the men are starting to wish they had a second vehicle. Cas offers many times to try and find a van or something large enough to hold the supplies that he can drive, but Dean is still too worried to actually let him.

Dean has also found out he can no longer sleep at night unless he has Cas by his side. Cas remembers that first night Dean tried to sleep on his own. It was after he woke up in the angel’s arms and Dean decided that he shouldn’t do that anymore, that things between them were not like that. However, the first night they tried sleeping separately, Dean woke Castiel with screams of terror.

“…Dean?” Cas mumbles groggily as he tries to blink away the fuzziness that seems to be in every corner of his mind. He can smell fear coming from the hunter and sits up quickly. “Dean? What is it?”

Dean is sitting on the bed next to his, breathing hard and staring blankly down at his hands.

“Dean…?” Cas moves from his bed to Dean’s, going slowly so he doesn't startle the scared man. He knows Dean likes to hide knives under pillows and he doesn't want to be stabbed by one. “Hey, it’s ok Dean. It’s just us…” Cas speaks softly, reaching out with one hand and setting it gently on Dean’s back. Dean flinches at the touch, but does not move more than that. “There is nothing to be afraid of...”

Castiel moves his hand in slow circles on Dean’s back, trying to get the man to calm down and realize that everything is fine…considering the circumstances.

“You…” Dean’s gravelly voice comes out quiet and shaky. “You were… He found… I thought I had lost you too, Cas…”

Castiel’s breathe hitches but he does his best to remain calm, knowing that Dean needs him. “I’m right here Dean. I haven’t gone anywhere.”

Dean looks up and seems to notice that Castiel is indeed right next to him for the first time that night, and soon the angel is surrounded by Dean’s arms and overwhelmed with a smell he has come to associate with his human. Cas slowly wraps his arms around Dean, doing his best not to show how much pain he is in from being held so tightly. Dean’s grip finally loosens and Cas is able to pull him down into a laying position so they are both still able to hold on the other.

Every night since, Dean has had to be in Castiel’s arms before he can sleep or else he wakes up screaming. Even though Cas does not always sleep, he realizes that he needs to hold on to Dean as well.

Once they find the camp, two vehicles full of supplies, they are greeted by some old friends. Chuck, Bobby and Ellen met them at the gate as well as a new guy that ends up taking the van that Cas finally convinced Dean into letting him drive with the majority of their supplies in it, to the supply cabin to be sorted and tallied. Castiel looks on as Dean bends down to hug Bobby and Ellen, all of them sharing glances and sad smiles. They all eagerly greet Cas as well and finally make their way into the heart of the camp. Cas is always at Dean’s side and is even the one to insist on sharing a cabin with Dean when Dean doesn't seem able to make the request himself. Dean glances at him and flashes a quick, grateful smile that does not go missed by a few members of the camp.

That night, while setting a few personal items on a bedside table, Castiel quietly hums to himself as Dean starts to strip and clean the new gun he has been issued.

“Hey, Cas?” Dean asks, rubbing a cloth along a piece of the rifle.

“Hm?” Castiel answers mid-hum without looking up.

“Do you think all of the angels are gone?”

Cas stops what he is doing, hands freezing over the table and the hum dies in his throat as Dean’s words sink in. After a few heart beats, he goes back to humming a now tuneless song and closes the drawer to the table. “I haven’t been able to sense anyone for a while now, Dean.” Cas looks over at Dean, a smile plastered on his lips.

“Angel radio still going though?” Dean asks, not looking up at Cas.

“Yep, loud and clear. Of course there is never anything interesting on it anymore,” Castiel flops onto the bed making the various pieces of the rifle bounce around. “Just the same thing playing over and over again. Nothing new.”

Dean grunts, slowly putting the now clean gun back together before finally looking up at Cas.

“You’ve been sleeping.” Dean says matter-of-factly.

“That I have.” Cas replies.

“You never used to sleep,” Dean stares down at the angel, not letting him break his gaze. “Why now?”

“Truthfully?” Cas asks.

Dean doesn't say anything, just keeps staring into the pools of ice in front of him, waiting for something that he can use to try and figure out what is really going on with his friend.

“Look, I’m injured, stressed, and worried constantly. Even as an angel, that’s a hell of a lot to handle, don’t you think?” Castiel tries to smile again, attempting to reassure his friend but Dean notices that it doesn't quite meet his eyes.

After a moment of silence, Dean sighs and finally breaks eye contact, knowing that there is no way he can get Castiel to talk if he doesn't want to. “Want me to help show you how to clean your gun?” He asks instead, picking up the shotgun that Chuck had given to Cas.

“That would be great Dean, thank you.”

After watching Cas struggle through the finer aspects of cleaning a gun, Dean chuckles softly at the frustrated look on Cas’ face and takes over. Castiel keeps watching but his mind starts drifting off. “Dean, can I ask what are we going to do now?” Cas asks hesitantly from where he is sitting.

“Survive Cas…” Dean replies with a heavy sigh. “What more can we do?”

Cas wants to ask more, but knows that his questions will never accomplish anything. He wants to ask about Sam – no. Not Sam, at least, not anymore. Every time Castiel has tried to bring up the topic, Dean has gotten angry and driven off. Cas is always left to himself for hours and Dean is always back before it gets too late so he can at least got a few hours of sleep. Castiel understands why it is hard for Dean to talk about it, but he also knows that it is something they are going to have to deal with eventually.

“So what are we going to do about your Grace?” Cas, startled from his thoughts, turns to look at Dean who has just finished putting the shotgun back together.

“There isn’t anything I can do about it,” Cas states matter-of-factly. “When it’s gone, it’s gone.” Already, Cas is starting to feel the effects of the slowly dwindling Grace.

“Can’t we just, you know, get more?” Dean asks, his eyes widening slightly. It is the only thing that betrays his panic to Cas.

“No. Even if I did find another angel and stole their Grace, it would still eventually fade and I would die from it.” Seeing the look on Dean’s face at that statement, Cas reaches across the narrow space between the two beds and rests his hand on Dean’s knee. “Do not worry, only stolen Grace would kill me. My own Grace fading, however, will not.” _At least not in the physical sense…_ Cas keeps that to himself though, not wanting to worry Dean any more than is necessary.

Dean looks down at his hands, which are still holding the cloth he had been using to clean the guns. “I just…” His voice falters, but Castiel waits patiently, knowing Dean will find the words soon.

Dean looks up and locks gazes with Castiel and Cas feels a jolt go through him as he sees how much emotions those emerald eyes are able to communicate.

Although he never finishes his thought, Cas grabs him and pulls him over to his bed. Even though it is really too small to hold both of them, they soon settle into a familiar position with Dean’s head on Cas’ chest. Castiel starts to run his fingers though Dean’s hair until he feels Dean start to relax.

“I know, Dean,” Cas whispers and feels Dean’s arms tighten around his middle. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll always be by your side, til the end.”

When Dean’s breathing finally evens out, Cas lets himself relax and starts to process everything that has happened that day. Cas knew it was going to be hard trying to cope with all of this, but as long as he has Dean, he knows that he can get through it…

~*~

Dean soon takes over the camp. Everyone reports to him and no one leaves or enters the camp without him knowing. Castiel stands by his side through it all, and watches as his best friend naturally takes over as leader for a camp full of lost and scared people. It has not been easy but everyone in the camp trusts Dean, especially after he explains everything about the supernatural world to them. His hunting experience makes him asset to the camp.

Castiel watches from a few feet away as Dean talks to Chuck about the next supply run that is about to happen within a few days. They are pouring over maps that are laid out on the table in one of the cabins that is mainly used as a headquarters. He leans back in his chair, finding a good balance and watches as the meeting takes place. He knows he can pipe up if he ever feels the need to add anything, but he trusts Dean and knows that things will be fine.

Cas reaches into his pocket and takes out one of the few things he does not like to leave in his cabin and would rather carry around with him: A picture that had been taken a few days after they had arrived at the camp. It was a picture of some of the campers standing by the sign for the camp. Cas and Bobby are both in it.

Cas looks at it every time he got the chance, especially since what happened….

  


(Image Source: [wincxst](http://wincxst.co.vu/))


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a flashback. There is a time gap between the events of when Dean and Cas arrive at the camp and the last few paragraphs of the 1st chapter.

_“Dean, what in the hell do you think you’re doing?”_

“Oh I don’t know, trying to keep this camp together maybe?”

Dean is standing across the room from Bobby, a table with a map between them. There are red X’s all over the place, marking off the infected areas that are referred to as “hot zones”. A supply run is needed but the only place that they can get what they need is right in one of these zones and Bobby does not want to agree to the mission.

“There’s no way we could even get everyone out of there alive!” he yells.

“What else do you want me to do Bobby?” Dean is frustrated, pacing around the room. Castiel watches from the corner, not wanting to get in the middle of the fight between the two men. He knows Dean doesn't like to fight with Bobby, but sometimes there was no way getting around it.

“This is the only place where we can actually get this stuff and there are people who need it,” Dean closes his eyes, hating himself for fighting with Bobby over supply runs.

Bobby looks at Dean and knows that the younger man is doing the best he can. There are just times when he feels absolutely useless though. He can’t go out on the missions and ends up being stuck at camp all day thanks to having to be in the damn wheelchair.

Dean ends up storming out of the cabin and loading into the truck that is going to lead the mission convoy. Castiel watches as Bobby rolls out onto the porch of the cabin and heads towards his own cabin.

It is the last time either of them sees Bobby alive.

“Dean!” Chuck is running up to the trucks, waving his clipboard in the air a few hours later. The convoy has just come back from the supply run and everyone is slowly unloading the supplies they managed to find. At Chuck’s voice, Castiel feels panic rise in this throat, making his heart pound while his mind runs through all the things that could have gone wrong while they were gone. He runs up to Dean’s truck as the hunter gets out of the cab and they wait for Chuck to run over to them.

“What is it?” Dean asks, worry lacing his voice.

“It’s Bobby,” Chuck tells them, trying to catch his breath. “He’s, well…”

“He’s what Chuck?” Dean yells, impatient and stressed out from a long day.

“He’s gone Dean!” Chuck tells them and Cas feels his stomach sink. “I went to go check up on him a little while after you guys had left and he wasn’t there. He was just gone! We’ve looked all over the camp for him and we can’t find him anywhere!” Chuck explains to them in a rush.

Dean just looks at Chuck, mouth moving as he tries to wrap his mind around what Chuck is telling him. Castiel realizes that Dean is going into shock, a human characteristic of panic he has learned to notice even after such a short time living in this camp and being surrounded by his friend all day, and steps forward to place his hand on Dean’s shoulder.

“Where haven’t people looked yet?” Castiel asks Chuck, taking over for Dean.

“Honestly, there isn’t anywhere in camp where we haven’t looked! He’s just gone!” Chuck is breathing hard and his eyes are wide. “All of the cabins, the woods, we even sent out a party to a few zones in the area.”

Cas’ thoughts race as he tries to think of a few places that they can possibly look where that had not already. His hand tightens on Dean’s shoulder, trying to ground them both.

“His house…” Dean chokes out.

“Dean?” Cas turns to Dean, knowing what Dean means, but not wanting to accept it.

“He would have gone home,” Dean mumbles, taking the truck keys back out of his pocket.

Before he can get into the driver’s seat, Castiel grabs the keys from him and pushes Dean over to the passenger side. Dean gets in without question and Chuck soon follows behind him. Cas drives wildly down the roads, going as fast as he dares and takes the quickest route possible. Many of the roads pass right through hot zones, but he knows that they need to get to Bobby’s house as quickly as possible.

“It’s going to be ok,” Castiel says as he drives down the interstate. “We’re gonna find him, ornery as ever, looking at some picture or stuffing a bag full of books we made him leave behind before.” Cas keeps talking, but after a while he doesn't know who he is really talking for anymore.

It is another hour before they finally pull up in front of Bobby’s house, dust and sand swirling all around. With his dwindling supply of Grace, Cas checks out the area quickly and feels no signs of demons or Croats, so he throws the truck in park and him, Chuck, and Dean quickly clamber out, racing for the front door. Even though the area seems to be safe, they takes their guns anyways, holding them at the ready, to be used at any moment.

The three men slowly clear their way through the house, checking each room on the main level as well as the upper level. Castiel watches as Dean’s eyes gaze at the books that had to be left behind, and he knows he is thinking of all the ones that would help them, but they both know that this is not what they are here for. Castiel makes his way back into the kitchen and stares at the one place they have not yet checked.

“Dean,” Cas calls from the door to the basement. “This is the last place that needs to be checked.” Dean makes his way over towards Castiel and they both stare at the door in front of them. He knows that they are both thinking of the Bunker that Bobby built a year ago. They are both hoping that Bobby is holed up in there and has just been waiting to be let out again.

Chuck stays on the main floor guarding the front door while Castiel follows Dean down into the basement, keeping his eye out for anything that might attack them.

“Got that gun loaded?” Dean asks, cocking his.

Cas nods, and then realizes that Dean cannot see him nod anyways, before checking his gun and cocking it again.

The main part of the basement looks untouched except for the few supplies that Bobby was able to grab before having to leave the house. Both men flank each side of the bunker door and Cas nods to Dean to let him know that he is ready. Dean takes a deep breath and reaches out for the door handle.

The door squeaks open and Cas walks in, gun at the ready. He knows Dean is right behind him, but nothing could have prepared him for what was waiting on the other side of that door.

“DEAN! RUN!” Castiel yells, pushing Dean back through the door.

“Cas? What-” Dean tries to shove past Cas and see what is on the other side of the man while Cas is doing his past to keep Dean from looking into the bunker. “Cas, let me in there!” Dean grabs Cas by the shoulder and the waist before twisting and pulling Cas to the side.

Castiel feels himself falling to the floor and knows there is nothing he can do to stop his friend from seeing what is in the bunker. He looks up just as Dean stops in his tracks.

The old wheelchair lies in the center of the floor, the left wheel bent and busted. There are blood stains covering the worn fabric that make up the back rest. Next to the wheelchair there is a crumpled figure that is dressed in Bobby’s cloths that he had on when he disappeared. His hat is a few feet away on the floor, crumpled and bloody and the shape is not moving.

“Bo- Bobby?” Dean’s voice breaks as he calls out.

The figure shifts slightly at the sound and Castiel can almost hear the sigh of relief that comes from Dean. However, Cas shifts on the floor so he can raise his shotgun to his shoulder, aiming it at the figure.

“Bobby,” Dean calls out again. “It’s me, Dean. Cas is here too. What are you doing here Bobby? And how the hell did you even get here?” Dean laughs slightly, panic and worrying lacing his voice. “It looks like we’re going to have to get you a new chair. Might be hard to find, but I’m sure we can manage to get one. We would have to raid a hospital or something though…”

Cas blocks out Dean’s voice as he continues to ramble on, talking to Bobby even though Castiel can see that it isn’t working. Dean's hunting instincts have shut down in the face of his life-long friend, the man he has considered his father for so long. The figure continues to move around and Cas starts to see the signs of a Croat even if Dean refuses to acknowledge it. Cas knows what he is going to have to do and he also understands what it will do to Dean.

The figure starts to stand and yet Dean keeps talking, even though the Bobby they knew wasn’t able to walk anymore.

“Dean!” Cas calls out, but Dean doesn't answer. Cas takes a deep breath lifts the gun up and aims. He closes his eyes, using his Grace to help him aim and knows that even if he doesn’t look, he won’t miss his target. He can hear the ragged breathing coming from the Croat and takes another deep breath.

_“I’m sorry, Dean,” he whispers right before he feels his finger squeeze the trigger…_

Hours later, Castiel finally wakes up on the couch in the living room. He looks around and sees Chuck sitting in another chair, fast asleep. Castiel tries to sit up and groans as his head starts pounding and his body aches. He lays his head back down and tries to get the room to focus as it spins around him. Closing his eyes, Castiel breathes deeply and starts when he feels a hand grab his arm.

“Hey buddy,” A familiar voice whispers in his ear. “How you feeling?”

Cas groans, opening his eyes again and searches until he finds the sparkling green eyes. Once he locks gazes with Dean, he feels the room finally stabilize. “Dean…” he breathes out, wincing at the pain in his side.  He tries to sit up again and this time, he feels Dean’s arm snake under his back, helping to lift him up and get him into a sitting position.

“You ok?” Dean askes again, worry and concern filling his voice.

“I’m….” Cas runs his hand through his hair, using his finger tips to place pressure on his head to try and relieve the pounding in his head. “I’ll be ok. How are _you?_ ”

Dean turns his head away, staring at the sleeping form of Chuck, but Castiel has a feeling that Dean isn’t looking at him. Not really. “I’m ok Cas.” He whispers, turning back to Cas with a small smile tugging at his lips, but Cas notices that it doesn’t reach his eyes.

Castiel feels his heart tug and all he wants to do is reach out to his human and hold him in his arms. His head only gets worse though when he tries to move, even a little. As he watches Dean, the memory of what was going on right before he passed out comes back to him and Cas feels his breathing quicken.

Castiel’s breathing catches Dean’s attention and he sits on the couch next to Castiel, wrapping an arm around him, trying to stabilize the angel. “Hey it’s ok, everything is going to be ok,” Dean murmurs in Castiel’s ear. “Try and match your breathing with mine.” Dean starts taking deep, slow breaths and soon Cas calms down enough for Dean to go back to breathing at a normal rate.

“Dean…” Castiel’s voice is shaky and Dean worries that he might start having another panic attack. He holds him closer and they sit in silence, letting the angel gather his thoughts. “Dean… Bobby…?”

Dean takes a deep breath, realizing that he is going to have to tell Cas what happened…

“He’s gone Cas. You shot him…” Dean’s voice is steady, but Castiel can hear the pain underneath. “It’s ok though,” Dean continues. “He was already infected. I just…Didn’t want to see it. I couldn’t admit to myself that he was. It wasn’t until you shot him that I realized how bad he was. How far along he was. He wasn’t Bobby anymore Cas… He was already gone…”

Cas looks at Dean and sees the tears silently racing down the man’s face. He reaches up and puts his hand on the side of Dean’s head, pulling Dean towards his lap. The couch is small, but Cas somehow gets Dean to half lay down, enough that Dean’s head can rest in Cas’ lap. Castiel runs his fingers through Dean’s hair, feeling each strand slide against his fingers. Dean’s tears soon turn to sobs and Cas continues to try and console the man the best he knows how.

“You’re really all I have now Cas…” Dean chokes out, his voice thick from crying. “Please… Whatever happens Cas… Please don’t leave me….”

A few days later, the three men are heading back to the camp. Chuck, Dean, and Castiel give Bobby the hunter’s funeral he deserves in his backyard, only leaving when the fire finally dies out. The ride back to camp is silent as the men watch the road pass by. Dean gives Chuck the keys, letting the more timid man drive. He knows he is too much of an emotional wreck to drive and Castiel is just happy he doesn’t have to fight Dean over that matter. Cas leans on Dean throughout the entire ride home, needing the support, but also knowing Dean just needs to know that he is still by his side.

When they get back to camp, Dean quickly leads Castiel back to their shared cabin, pushing past people who want to know what happened with Bobby. Dean leaves Chuck to deal with the people and sighs with relief when the door to their cabin finally shuts behind him, blocking out the noise. Castiel, still leaning on Dean, is breathing heavily.

“You ok?” Dean asks, his voice thick with worry and fatigue.

Castiel does not reply, but Dean notices he is standing less on his own and requiring Dean’s help more the longer they stand there. Grunting, Dean gets a better grip on Cas, one arm on his hip, the other holding on to the forearm of the arm that is wrapped around his shoulders. “Don’t pass out on me now angel boy…”

Dean gets Castiel to the edge of the bed that takes up most of the back wall of the room. It looks like a bigger bed than what is normally issued in the camp, but in reality, it is just two beds that are pushed together. People were normally not allowed in the cabin since Dean and Cas wanted to avoid awkward questions about why they didn’t have separate beds.

“Sorry Dean…” Cas whispers, his voice barely audible even in the quiet room.

“What are you sorry for?” Dean replies, making his voice light.

“I’m useless…” Cas hangs his head, avoiding the gaze of Dean’s green eyes.

Before Dean can ask what he is talking about, Cas collapses against him fully. Dean panics, holding on to Cas’ head so he can lift it up and holds it against his chest. Cas’ eyes are closed, but his breathing is steady. Dean sighs, realizing that Castiel is probably exhausted after everything that has happened recently.

Grunting, he gets Castiel in what he hopes is a comfortable position on the bed, and grabs one of the blankets that are always falling on the floor at night to cover him with. Dean lightly runs his fingers through the angel’s hair, brushing it out of his eyes. “Don’t leave me too Cas…”


	3. Chapter 3

Cas’ eyes water slightly as he comes back to the present. They have all missed Bobby in their own ways, but none more so than Dean. With the death of the man who Dean really saw as his father in life, he has been a different man. Even though it has been months, Cas knows that the man is not any better than he was when he first realized that Bobby was truly gone.

As the meeting wraps up, Dean calls for Cas, wondering if he agrees with everything that is going to happen. Cas quickly shoves the picture back in his pocket and turns to the younger man. “Whatever you have decided, I am sure that it will work out.” He replies, locking eyes with Dean.

Dean quickly jerks his head, the only sign he gives to let Cas know he has been heard and starts to help Chuck roll up the maps that are on the table. “Well,” Cas says as he starts to stand. “Let me know if you guys need anything else before then! Otherwise… You know where to find me.”

“See you later, Cas!” Chuck calls after Cas as he walks out of the cabin. Looking around, he does not spot anyone he particularly wants to talk to at the moment, so he heads off to his cabin at the far edge of the camp. Pushing open the door once he reaches it, he is again reminded of how lonely he has been, but shrugs it off as he always does.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the picture of Bobby again, placing it onto the small table that stands next to his bed. He shrugs out of the light canvas jacket he is wearing and pulls his shirt over his head. Sighing, he flops down on to his bed and rolls over until he is comfortably staring at the ceiling.

Being alone has never been something Cas has been able to get used to.

Ever since he was young, there was always noise on in the background, Angel Radio he could tune into whenever he needed to feel close to someone again. Then after coming to earth, he had friends he could always turn to. Or his angel army. Someone. Even after the world had fallen apart, he always knew he could turn to Dean but now…

Cas missed being held by the man.

Staring at the ceiling, Cas can feel his memories stirring emotions in him he has tried his hardest to bury. Without turning, he reaches over to the bedside table again, fingers tracing over the edges until he comes across the pull to the drawer. Opening the drawer, he reaches for one of the bottles that he has stashed, pulling it out. He brings the bottle in front of him, still not looking at it, as he opens it with his other hand, twisting the white cap off of it. His emotions are starting to overcome him again, tears leaking out of his eyes and racing down the sides of his face towards his temples. Once the cap is off, he shakes the bottle until he can get a few of the pills that are inside of it out onto his hand. He quickly shoves them into his mouth without a second thought, swallowing and grimacing at the feeling of the chalky objects forcing their way down his throat.

He places the lid back on the bottle and throws it back into the drawer, closing it again. He continues to stare at the ceiling until he feels his body go light and his mind clears.

He never understood why humans considered this feeling to be similar to flying. It was nothing of the sort. Yet Cas craved this feeling, searched for it the same way he used to search out the Angel Radio or Dean. Except instead of bringing him the comfort of no longer being alone, the pills bring him the comfort of not having to care.

The hours slip by as Cas lies on his bed, however, it feels like days to Cas. Finally coming down off of his high, Cas gets off of the bed, throwing his shirt and jacket back on, and makes his way out of the room. He follows one of the many camp trails, making his way to another cabin at the camp. Walking up the stairs, he pauses in front of the door and takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly as he tries to calm his heart which has started to beat hard.

Raising his hand, he knocks lightly at the door and waits, hearing footsteps on the other side. The door swings open, revealing a dark skinned lady, her hair tied back from her face. She smiles as she sees Cas and leans against the door frame, arms crossed in front of her.

“Hey there big guy,” she says, her voice smooth as silk.

“Courtney,” Cas replies, the corners of his mouth pulling back slightly into a grin.

“How have you been?” Courtney asks, noticing the glazed look in Cas’ eyes.

“Better than ever.” Cas replies, suddenly not wanting to meet Courtney’s eyes.

“Well, we both know why you are here, so why don’t you just come on in darling.” She moves aside so Cas can walk into the cabin, and makes his way to the bedroom in the back of the cabin. He hears Courtney shut the door and follow him. He closes his eyes as she places her hands on his back and starts to place soft, gentle kisses on to the back of his neck.

“How long do we have this time Angel?” She asks, hands moving to take off the jacket that he is wearing.

“Long as you want, my queen…” Cas mummers, voice already heavy with need…

Hours later, Cas is finally leaving the cabin. Courtney stands at the door, leaning in the same position she was in when he first entered. The sun has gone down, so Cas has to rely on his memory of the layout of the camp to make his way back to his own cabin. He tries not to think about the cabin he is currently passing, the one with the lights on and the large bed pressed up against the back wall. The one that currently has one of the younger camp women standing in front of the window, slowly stripping off her shirt.

Cas comes across a place where the camp paths start to split off and he tries to remember which way he wants to take. Finally giving up, he picks the left path, knowing he will eventually get back to his cabin. Looking up at the sky, Cas’ eyes wander lazily over the patterns of the stars, remembering the legends he has heard from somewhere about the constellations and how they were created.

The longer Cas walks, he realizes that he indeed took the wrong path at the fork, but instead of turning around, he continues to walk along the same path, not caring when he will eventually get back to his own cabin. Knowing it has been a long time since he ever actually enjoyed being alone, even for a little while, he decides that this walk can been good for him. Keeping clear of the forest at the edge of the camp, Cas turns right at the next fork, and the forest follows him on his left, the trees almost seeming to scrape the sky at the angle that Cas is at.

As he walks, he starts to hear some rustling in the bushes. Pausing, he listens to see if the noise will continue when he stops. The bushes continue to rustle, so Cas decides that there must be a deer in the woods. Suddenly wishing he had a bow so he could provide some food for the camp, Cas sighs and continues on his way. The path starts to curve gently back towards the edge of the camp and Cas smiles slightly, knowing that he is getting closer to his own cabin.

Just as he is about to cut across a familiar stretch of grass behind a couple of cabins, the rustling grows louder and Cas turns around just as two men jump out from the bushes. Unable to react quickly enough, Cas is grabbed and thrown on the ground, and he sees different stars as his head is cracked against the ground. He struggles to breathe as one of the men presses their knee into his chest, and each of them holds an arm pinned to the ground. As he starts to struggle, a knife is pressed up against his throat, and Cas feels his eyes open wide with fear that he tries to control. Still coming down after his high, he silently berates himself for not being more aware of everything around him as another man walks out of the woods.

“Why, didn’t your momma never teach not you to walk alone at night, Castiel?” The man asks as he stalks closer to the pinned angel. Cas does his best to look around the men pinning him to the ground and recognition dawns on his face as the man finally gets close enough for Cas to make him out.

“Scott,” he says quietly, his voice stronger than he feels.

“I’m surprised our fearless leader even lets you walk this far away from home,” Scott states as he circles Cas, sarcasm dripping from his words. “I heard he’s letting you go on the next raid.”

“What of it.” Cas replies, keeping his answers short.

“Well, I just don’t think it’s fair that a washed-up angel, who hasn’t done a damn thing for anyone, is able to go out and do as he pleases. Especially when us good-hearted fellows have to stay back instead of goin’ out and getting’ things that we need for ourselves, you hear me?” Scott continues to circle Cas, and Cas notices something glint in the low light. Before Scott can turn away from his, Cas realizes that he is also holding a knife that’s long and wicked.

“You know I never ask to go on these things,” Cas says calmly.

“Bullshit, Angel Boy.” Cas sneers at the use of the nickname but says nothing. “You always get whatever you want, seein’ as how your so _buddy-buddy_ with Dean.”

Cas’ heart starts to race differently; he is no longer panicking over being caught by these men, but instead panicking over what they could possibly know about him and Dean. He continues to not say anything as Scott finally stops near Cas’ head on his second circle, bending his knees until his head is close to Cas’.

The knife at Cas’ throat digs in farther and Cas can feel his skin pinching. However, his eyes do not move to look at the man who his holding it; instead he keeps his eyes trained on Scott, wondering what the man could possibly want.

“Now Cassie, why don’t we do you a little favor,” Scott starts. “While we can’t trim you up a little bit, seeing as how a pack of demons did that for us already as rumor would have it, I’m sure we can still shave a little off of the sides. But don’t worry: we’ll leave enough so Dean will still be able to recognize who you are.”

“He’s going to know that it was humans that did this, you realize this.” Cas’ voice is silent, deadly, as he holds the man’s gaze. “This whole camp is warded against demons, so please tell me how you intended to make it look like anything other than it really is.”

Scott sneers, a chuckle breaking free from his lips. “Oh Castiel, do you take humans to be that stupid?” The man asks as he starts to rise from the ground. “You see, John here got himself bit about…oh forty minutes ago? We went out on a little search ourselves, and I thought instead of killing the poor bastard, we could make something of it.”

The man Scott was talking about, John, broke out in a smile that stretched from ear to ear. The other man kept the knife pressed tight against Cas as John started to lower his own knife towards his own arm. Cas could feel himself starting to really panic and tried to pull together whatever remained of his Grace to try and knock the guys off of him.

As his Grace pooled within him, he realizes that there is a lot less than what he originally thought. He tries to come up with another idea, knowing that there is no way he can use it to get away from three guys. As John finishes cutting into his own skin, he lowers the blade to Cas’ arm, waiting for some sign from Scott.

“I wouldn’t bother calling out to your Dean,” Scott tells Cas. “We made sure he was going to be nice and busy tonight, if you know what I mean.” He nods his head to John, and as the blade bites into Cas’ skin, he uses his Grace to call out Dean’s name, throwing his cry as far as he can.

Adrenaline finally kicking in, Cas manages to wrestle his arm away from John and grabs at the hand that his holding the knife to his throat. Both men do not react right away, surprised at the outburst from the Angel, and Cas uses this to his advantage. He wrenches the knife away from the second man and calls out for Dean again, trying to include a mental picture of where he is. He takes stock of his Grace and notices that he will only have one more chance to call for the man he loves.

Using the knife he now has, he slashes at faces and hands, finally feeling the knee leave his chest and he pulls himself free and into a standing position in the field. The three men surround him and back him up to the forest wall. Holding the knife out in front of him, Cas yearns for the longer reach of his Angel Blade, but knows that he will just have to make do until Dean hopefully arrives.

John is the first to rush Cas, his blade swinging erratically. Cas blocks his blows and delivers a punch to the side of the man’s head. While he is stunned, Cas throws another at his ribs, feeling the man start to give out. Cas pushes John toward the second man who has started to run towards Cas, and somehow manages to get the knife back up in time to stop Scott’s blade. Flipping the knife in his hands until he is holding it in a back-hand grip, using his arm to defend his upper body. Scott takes several steps back until there is a fair amount of room between the two men. Cas hears the grunts of John and the other man as they try to untangle themselves from each other, but he keeps his attention on the man in front of him.

“This doesn’t have to be this way,” Cas tries to reason with the man.

“Oh, but it does Angel Boy!” Scott spits at Cas, anger and hate blazing behind his eyes. “It’s because of you and your kind that we are even in this mess to begin with. You brought this down upon us, and I will not stop until I find a way to kill every single one of you I can get my hands on.”

“Well, that’s going to be hard, seeing as how heaven closed itself long ago.” Cas replies, watching Scott carefully so he knows when he is going to have to defend himself again.

“Then I guess I will just have to settle for you!” Scott finally throws himself at Cas just as arms wrap around Cas’ middle as well as his forearms, holding him in place. Before he can comprehend who is holding him, Cas feels a searing white pain in his side and looks down to see Scott’s knife buried to the hilt in his side.

The knife is wrenched out from Cas, only to be buried again between his ribs and Cas feels all of breath leave him at once as he looks back up at Scott. The man smiles wide as he drives the knife in one last time, letting Cas fall to the ground as the other man finally lets go of him.

Before Scott can say anything, there is a loud CRACK from behind him and Scott goes stiff, eyes wide. More cracks follow and Cas’ faintly recognizes the sound of gunfire before the figures in front of him finally fall to the ground.

Cas is looking up at the stars again, looking at the ways that they seem to form shapes and take on stories of their own. His vision starts to blur and go dark as he feels his life rush out from his side. He continue to watch the stars, wondering if he will be finally allowed to go home now…

“CAS!!!”


	4. Chapter 4

The stars start to blink back into existence in Cas’ mind.

“…as!”

The darkness starts to clear from his vision, and Cas is sadden by its escape. _What is the point anymore?_ he asks himself.

“…please…no, no, no…”

The remaining Grace Cas has pulls at his heart, making him tune into the voice that is just beyond his vision, just beyond the twinkling stars that grow brighter.

“…please, do something…!”

Cas knows that voice, but it is not the voice that he finally latches on. He blinks and feels a surge of emotions swim through him, emotions that are not his own.

“…Cas…Cas…no, no…Not him too, please…”

His Graces burns its way through his body, moving towards the side where the wounds are. Before he can even attempt to stop it, save what is left of it, his insides are on fire and his back arches, eyes closing, as a scream rips itself from his throat.

He isn’t being healed.

He’s on fire. Everything inch of skin, every minuscule vein, every cell in his body…

“…Cas! ...ok, it’s going to be ok Cas, just please…”

_Dean_

The scream starts to die away as the fire recedes. Cas opens his eyes, and searches out for the green gems he knows cannot be too far away.

Finally finding them, Cas feels the fire die away completely and he realizes that he is being held, no… cradled, against the hunter’s chest. _Dean…_ The emotions of the hunter are still coursing through his veins, but they grow dimmer and dimmer with every heartbeat.

Cas sees the same emotions reflecting in those eyes though, and he knows that they couldn’t be coming from anywhere else.

“Dean…” he finally whispers, his throat aching from his screams of pain earlier.

He watches as Dean’s eyes fill with water that cascades over at the sound of his voice and he is suddenly being held tighter, if possible, against the man.

“I’m so sorry Cas…” Dean stammers through his tears. “I should never have pushed you away.. I’m so sorry..”

Cas reaches up with his free hand and grasps the back of Dean’s head, fingers twisting in the short hair at the base of his neck. The stammers stop and Dean stares back at Cas, neither of their gazes wavering.

After a few moments, the pain in Cas’ side finally registers in his brain again. He shuts his eyes tight against the pain, hating the loss of looking at Dean…

“Shit, Cas..” Dean mutters, as if he finally remembers the amount of blood coming from the man in his arms. “Heal yourself Cas, please, you gotta help me out here.”

“I can’t Dean…” Cas pants, wincing as Dean pushes hard against the wounds, trying to stop the flow of blood.

“At least fix what is wrong inside, places I can’t get to,” Dean begs, panic coursing through him.

Cas sighs, and immediately is taken over by a bout of coughing. He turns his head and spits out a mouthful of blood onto the ground. Relaxing slightly, he leans back into the arm that is wrapped around his back and head. “That’s the last of whatever was left in my lungs…” he whispers.

He opens his eyes and sees the confusion in Dean’s gaze.

“When I…” he starts, trying to ease Dean’s confusion without worrying him anymore than he already is. “When I was screaming, that was my Grace, fixing what it could.”

“But, it never hurt whenever you used it to heal me all those times…”

“Yes, but it was never the last of my Grace either…” Cas’ voice falls away as he instinctively searches out for the substance that he had known all of his life. “It’s gone now…”

Instead of replying, Dean pulls Cas closer and leans down to touch his forehead against Cas’. It isn’t until he starts making ‘sshhhing’ noises that Cas realizes he is crying. Tears stream down his face and his body shakes slightly from the force of his sobs as he mourns the loss of his Grace. Unable to let go of Cas’ side to brush Cas’ tears away, Dean rubs his cheek against the smaller man’s. Cas takes the opportunity to bury his head into Dean’s neck and it grows wet quickly from the tears that are still streaming from Cas.

They hold that position for what feels like forever before Chuck finally races up to them with a few other members of the camp. Dean raises his head slightly, and Cas feels his chest vibrate as he relays what he saw to Chuck. Cas doesn’t pay attention to anything, knowing he can always ask Dean what happened later, and keeps his face buried for as long as he can, wanting to hide from the world.

It isn’t long though, before Cas is being lifted off of the ground completely and into the hunter’s arms. Dean and the rest of the group make their slow way back to the cluster of cabins in the center of camp where Dean’s own cabin is, as well as the cabin that holds their medical supplies. Cas can barely hear Chuck’s voice dishing out commands to various people, but his mind is too far gone for him to actually understand what is being said. He only focuses on the heartbeat that he can hear as he presses his head even closer to Dean’s chest.

He blinks he eyes slowly and squints at the lights that are above him. Some part of his brain realizes that he is back in a cabin, lying on a bed that seems vaguely familiar. Groaning, he tries to look around and a hand on his shoulder stops him from moving too much. He turns his head, wanting to find Dean, needing to know where he is, but he doesn’t see him. Instead, he sees Courtney who is messing with his side. Before everything goes black again, he realizes that she is probably stitching up what is left of his stab wounds…

Cas hears faint voices, mumbling just out of his range of hearing. He can’t tell who it is, but knows that whatever they are talking about cannot be good. Suddenly, one of them starts shouting and there is a loud crash before Cas hears the sound of a door being slammed shut. He hears footsteps coming his way, but before the person is in the room, Cas slips back into his world of quiet darkness..

“…Cas…please, you gotta wake up…”

Cas groans, wanting to stay lost in his world. A world where he can be whatever he wants. Where he still has his wings and his…

No, he can’t think about that. Anything but that.

“I need you, man…”

That voice is trying to drag him back and Cas fights against it, not wanting to be in a world where he isn’t whole…

“…what am I supposed to do without you…”

For once, Cas doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about anyone and just wants to be by himself. Wants to be in his world where he makes the rules. Where his family is still whole…

“Cas, you gotta help him.. He’s losing it…”

A new voice, the same cry for help. Why is it always up to him to fix everything? Won’t these stupid humans ever just figure things out on their own?

Cas immediately regrets thinking that as images of people he has come to know as family start to flash before him. They are reaching out to him, wanting to help him, wanting to bring him back, but he turns away…

He isn’t empty in his world. He doesn’t feel so alone. He still has his Grace pumping through the human veins in the body he has come to know as his own. He is still an angel, still able to do something to help the people he cares about.

Out there? In the real world? He is nothing now. Useless. Empty. His Grace is gone and he can feel the emptiness swallowing him up, pulling him down in its dark fingers. He whole being aches for what he has lost, for what he can no longer say he is. The pain of his emptiness and loss threatens to spill out and Cas grabs with desperate fingers to pull everything back, place it back in the box he created for it. He wants to go back to his own world, but it is too late.

A scream rips from his lips, he real world lips, and he can barely hear himself think now.

“SOMEBODY GO FIND HIM NOW!”

The emptiness claw further away from him, taking the world he created away. He screams for his loss, for something he can never get back. His throat burns, and he feels his side tear where the wounds are.

He doesn’t care. He has stopped caring about anything. About anyone.

“I don’t care WHAT he’s doing! JUST GO GET HIM!”

Cas wants to tell the person next to him to just shut up. That no one could ever cure him and bring him back from this emptiness. There isn’t any point, so just shut up. But he can’t. He can hardly think any more as the scream threatens to overcome his entire being. His body is on fire, and yet he feels nothing except loneliness.

The voice next to him finally stops yelling and Cas isn’t sure if the person is still there or not. The scream continues to rip from his throat, even though it is starting to lose any semblance of being a scream as Cas’ voice starts to give out. His head is pounding, but he doesn’t know how to stop it anymore. Even if he just closes him mouth, the scream will still be raging throughout his entire body as the claws of grief scrape away at his very being…

“Cas?”

A new voice, one he recognizes…One he would recognize anywhere…

“Cas, c’mere...”

He feels the bed give way beneath him as more weight is added. Warm arms wrap around him, pulling him close and that voice continues to speak softly...

“It’s going to be ok, Cas… I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but we… You can get through it. I know you can…”

The scream starts to die on Cas’ lips as he focuses on the soft, calm voice he knows from somewhere. One he hasn’t heard speak this way in what feels like a very long time...

When the scream finally gives way to tears, Cas clutches on to the man next to him, burying his face in the cloth that makes up some shirt he doesn’t recognize. There are fingers in his hair, stroking it softly, and more on his back, holding him tightly. He can feel his body shaking and the voice just continues to speak softly, letting him do what he needs to do to feel better. The emptiness is still there, that feeling of not having anything anymore, but Cas also starts to fill up with the voice and hands of the man next to him. He starts to drag himself out of the pit and back to the real world where he wants to belong…

“I’m here for you Cas… I’m not going to leave you alone anymore, I promise…”

 _Dean_ …

The sobs start to die down and the shakes turn to slight trembles that wrack through his body every few seconds. Cas pulls his head back enough to look up at the man who is holding him. The man he has needed so much the past few weeks. The one who he thought would never be able to forgive him again… The green eyes are waiting for him and they are as deep and soft as Cas remembers before the world went to hell.

“Dean…” he croaks out, his voice threatening to give out.

“Hey, Cas,” A small smile tugs at the corners of Dean’s mouth.

~*~

Cas sighs and curls back into Dean, not needing to talk any more than that. Dean understands as he slides them down the bed until Cas is lying curled against Dean’s side. They lay on that bed for hours as Cas finally gets some much needed, _dreamless_ sleep. Dean waves off anyone who attempts to come bother him with something new and when Chuck finally arrives to check on them, demands that everyone leave him the fuck alone for a while. Chuck gives him a knowing smile and informs him the camp has already been informed to fuck off.

His cabin finally quiet and peaceful, Dean settles in for a long night of having his angel back in his arms. He smiles as Cas’ familiar smell surrounds him and he feels his body start to relax for the first time in a long time.

It doesn’t last long.

Dean’s thoughts start to drift to the last time they were able to lay like this and he feels his heart drop. It was all his fault that things between the two of them fell apart in the first place and he doesn’t know how long it will be before he is sure to fuck it all up again…

_“Cas, you’re telling me that there was no way for you to save Bobby? That you couldn’t use your angel mojo and just cure him for fuck’s sake?” Dean yells across the room._

“You know as well as I do that I don’t have enough ‘mojo’ left to do anything, let alone save a man that was already past saving!” Cas bellows back.

Dean turns his back and chucks the first thing he can reach across the room. He tells himself that there was nothing Cas could have done to prevent what happened to Bobby, yet his heart breaking pushes aside his inner reasoning. He feels a tear slide from his eye and he angrily wipes at his face.

“You know Bobby was as much family to me and he was to you, Dean and you know I would have done anything I could have to save him…” Cas’ voice softens, yet he doesn’t move closer to the broken man.

Dean can feel his heart hardening, growing colder as his family is killed one right after another before him. “Why didn’t you just fucking go home if you weren’t going to be of any use to me.” The words slip out before he can stop them and he knows that they hit their mark when Cas inhales sharply. Dean slowly turns around, his face a mask for how he really feels after saying those words.

Cas’ eyes are turned down, looking at the dusty floor in their cabin. “Even if I had wanted to go home, I wouldn’t have been able to…” Cas mumbles.

“Oh and what’s that supposed to fucking mean?” Dean demands.

“I don’t have wings anymore, remember?” Cas raises his eyes, and Dean can tell he is searching for something.

“So the only real reason why you stayed here on this god forsaken planet is because a pair of demons clipped you?” Dean knows the words hurt but it’s too late to take them back.

Cas stares back at Dean and he breaks out in a smile. Dean watches as it doesn’t reach his eyes and instead makes him look more manic than anything. Dean tries not to react and instead walks over to a bag lying on the bed they share.

“You’re a dick, Dean.” Cas calls after him.

“Tell me something I don’t know Cas.”

“Why would I have ever wanted to go, you bitch?” Footsteps. Cas is following him to the bed but Dean doesn’t turn around. He starts to grab a few things that are scattered on the bed and throws them into the open bag before him.

A hand on Dean’s shoulder whips him around and he is face to face with a pissed off, manic angel holding a sawed off in his hands.

“Careful with that Cas,” Dean’s voice shakes slightly as he raises his hands.

“Oh this?” Cas casually swings the shotgun over his shoulder like it wouldn’t blow half of a person’s face off at this close of a range. “Now, please tell me why would I have ever wanted to fucking go home.” Cas repeats.

Dean locks eyes with Cas and can feel the fire burning underneath the ice blue eyes. “Because it’s safer there than it is here.” Dean replies, his voice level.

“Right, because my family wouldn’t have locked me up in jail for deserting them for you?” Dean feels his head tilt slightly, confusion slipping through the mask on his face. “I fell for you, Dean. The Great Big FUCKING FALL.”

Cas turns and starts to pace in the small cabin. “Followed in the steps of my big brother Luci, and yet for completely opposite reasons. Because of course, while he hates humans, I fell in love with them instead. Or at least, a group of them. No,” he stops and turns to face Dean again. “Just one.”

“What the hell are you talking about Cas.” Frustration and anger is slipping into Dean’s words. He has a camp to run, but now he’s having to deal with his emotional angel. In the back of his mind, he realizes that this is all his fault that Cas is even like this, but for once, he pushes the crippling guilt farther away.

“I’m an angel, Dean.” Cas watches as Dean rolls his eyes.

“Tell me something I don’t know smart ass!”

“I’m an angel, with a fucking shot gun, fighting in some war _for you_ because my family decided they wanted to throw a giant fucking hissy fit. I told you months ago that I don’t care if heaven takes me back and I still feel the same damn way, you absolute idiot.” Cas lowers the gun and walks back towards Dean, his voice low and deadly. “I threw away my faith, my _family_ , just to stay here and keep you safe. Watch over you. Protect you. I thought with you I could finally know what it means to be human. But instead, when I _save your fucking ass_ , you push me away and I’m no longer good enough for you.”

Dean remains silent as Cas finishes he speech. The two men stare at each other, breathing hard. Cas looks like he has more to say and yet he doesn’t. Dean watches as Cas’ eyes flick rapidly around, looking for any kind of reaction from Dean, but Dean is too tired to care anymore. He feels his heart grow harder as the one person who could ever really get through to him starts to slip away from him.

“You’re not Dean anymore. At least not my Dean.” Cas finally says, voice coming out in a whisper.

The last piece of Dean that cared anymore finally hardens and his eyes flash. The warm green eyes, that used to be so warm and inviting, close off and shut down. Without saying anything, Dean turns around and grabs the bag that he has been stuffing. He zips it closed and tosses it towards Cas who barely manages to catch it. Dean watches as Cas’ face grows confused.

“Get out.” The meaning behind the words does not register on Cas’ face, but Dean does not care anymore. He has lost everything – given everything – to keep this fucking world safe; what’s one more person gone from his life? Pushing past the silent angel, Dean grabs his hand gun from a table and walks out of the cabin.

He walks straight for the trucks that are parked near the exit to the camp. Digging in his pockets, he finally finds the keys to the one he has claimed as his own and climbs in after opening the gate that closes off the camp. Starting up the truck, Dean takes no time flying through the camp exit, leaving the gate open knowing that someone would soon be by to close it.

Dean drives around for hours. He feels like an idiot for wasting so much gas, but he knows that he will just stop somewhere on the way back and fill the truck back up. Somewhere in his mind, he knows that he is being ridiculous but he has stopped listening. Slamming on the wheel, Dean screams at the windshield, screams until his throat burns and he can hardly make any noise anymore.

He is so tired. Tired of being the one who has to fix the world and make everything better all of the time. And for what? Where is his reward? The only thing he ever got for any of this was all of his family being dead, or worse. And now he can’t even rely on Cas anymore.

Dean finally makes it back to camp as the sun is setting, with a full tank of gas and a few supplies he decided to pick up on his way back. He jams the keys back into his pocket after opening the back so the few people gathered around could empty the truck. Chuck tries to talk to him, asking where the hell he had been and various other meaningless questions that Dean brushes off.

Making his way back to his cabin, he stands in the doorway for a few minutes, taking in the emptiness. Without even going in, Dean turns back around and heads back outside to find Chuck. Finding him, he races to catch up with him.

“Chuck!” He calls once he is within distance. Chuck turns around, a question waiting on his face. “Call a meeting. I want to start planning on what we need to do to find Lucifer.”

Without waiting for an answer, Dean turns around and walks back to the planning cabin. He pulls out a few maps and gets things set up as a few people start to file in. Cas is the last person to arrive and even though he tries to stay in the shadows, Dean immediately picks him out.

“I thought I told you to get out.” The chatter stops as Dean’s icy voice permeates the room.

Cas looks up from his spot in the room and locks eyes with Dean. “I did get out. Of your cabin, but I told you that I was here to stay. So like it or not, here I am.” Cas’ voice matches Dean’s in intensity and the people in the room start to back to the corners, leaving room for whatever might be going down between the two men.

Dean quietly contemplates Cas’ words, staring down the angel, waiting for him to lower his gaze. When Cas does not back off, Dean slowly walks around the table towards him. Cas pulls himself from the chair he has been sitting in and raises himself to his full height just as Dean stands in front of him. The two face off as energy flows through the room. Dean can tell that it is coming from Cas, but everyone else in the room shares glances with each other and they wonder what is going on.

“I don’t want you in my camp anymore,” Dean’s voice is laced with fire, yet Cas only blinks, his features never changing. Dean raises a fist and sends it sailing towards Cas’ face, yet Cas only flicks a finger, freezing Dean’s fist midair only inches away from his face.

His eyes glow as he uses his Grace to hold the man in place. “I told you, I am not going anywhere. So get used to it.” Cas flicks his finger again and Dean’s hand falls back to his side. He grabs the chair he has been sitting in and pulls it closer to the table. Dean watches as he sits down in it, throwing his feet up on the table. “So whenever you are done having this hissy fit of yours, maybe we can start this meeting you called, oh Fearless Leader.”

Dean can feel his anger threatening to boil over as he holds back the urge to beat the shit out of the angel. Yet, he only walks back to his spot on the other side of the table and starts pointing to various places on the maps, explaining how they could be viable places for Demon Hordes to be. _He only looks at Cas once, and it is to exchange nods; he may not want anything to do with Cas at the moment, but he is not against acknowledging the angel’s use to the camp._

Their relationship had been strained ever since, yet they had never fought again. Dean looked down at the man in his arms and squeezed his arms tighter around him. He had been such an idiot and he knew that now. Looking down at Cas, dying in his arms only a week ago, had been the one thing that snapped Dean out of his stupidity.

Dean sighs, a sadness taking the place of the anger he has been carrying around for so long. He had  wasted months, never to get them back. Dean can feel his heart clench at the thought of never having Cas around again, and he knows that he has to try and change, try and be better for Cas. Cas may have done some stupid things through the years, but he has always been there when Dean needed him, doing what needed to be done even when Dean himself wasn’t able to.

“I won’t push you away again Cas…” he whispers to the sleeping body next to him. “I know I’m fucked up but…I won’t ever do that to you again…” He promises himself as well as Cas. It won’t happen again.

 _It can never be the same again…I can’t be the same again…But I can at least be better…_ Dean leaves out, not having the strength to admit out loud what he is hardly able to admit to himself.


End file.
